YOU'RE A DRUNK AND YOU'RE SCARED

Look. Narcissus reborn. A strange little girl blue. A little ghost, disappearing. Getting thinner and thinner every day, and this time not even on purpose, not really. I promise. Although we all know that we can't trust that.
Just a week away from the end of my martyrdom (...) at the fancy restaurant and my holidays with Diana in Italy, seeing Dario again. Only a couple of colleagues know that I won't be coming back on September. That maybe I won't ever see them again.
So I have issues letting go. That's not really news. I knew that since I was four, since my grandfather died. Now, because I can't harm myself in more direct ways, I mix alcohol with all the pills I am taking. I wonder if Mom was like this too. I wonder if I'll end up like her. I really really don't want to. I don't want to. And yet there is something that drives me to do these things that ... I wish I could have some kind of revelation, or even believe that some kind of revelation is possible.
I spent the whole night awake. First trying to fall asleep. Then listening to music. Then writing a heartbroken letter. Then reading. Then making a list of things to do before going to Italy. Then filling up some forms. Then cutting up som magazines. And there is no time for a nap.
Some of my colleagues are on drugs even at work. And some of them believe that Spain was better under the fascist regime than now. Can they still be considered good people? I am too preoccupied with morals. With good and bad, with extremes. But I just don't understand. It is so hard. I don't want everyone to feel and think like myself. I don't believe that I'm right, that I'm the perfect model of virtue and goodness. But they were praising fascism because of its lack of liberty. I just can't see how that is good. And their talk about immigrants... Why don't people realize that I am an immigrant too?
The world is a cruel place. Someone commented that maybe I am the monster. Yes, but I am a small monster, small and defenceless. If I could just understand why things are the way they are...