I JUST WANTED YOU TO LOVE ME

Dear all,
Apparently I have been granted with a visa to go to the US next september and follow my dreams once again. Become a professor, study at an elite university, drive through Route 66, discover another horizon... I am really glad. Not done with the paperwork, still stressing about it and not prepared to think about health insurance and payments and trembling about airports and suitcases, but it will be worth it.
But until then, there is this. There is here. There is now. And of course we hate it. Why do I do it? Time and again. Against my better judgement. Against everybody's better judgement. I get the wrong feelings for the wrong person and then suffer and suffer, and keep suffering even if there is nothing to suffer about. I force myself to bleed. I push myself to be in love. And I cry. And I always die of heartbreak. And I'm always treated badly. Or at least I think so. I manage to believe every lie, every stupid lie that has ever been said. I believe everything and feel so betrayed. And then I still forgive. And I still beg for affection, for someone to hold me and protect me from the monster.