RUNNING WITH SCISSORS

Sunday. Not even 6pm and I have already had dinner. Days go by so fast it's scary. Wake up, go to breakfast, go to lunch, go to dinner... and it's dark and you can't focus on studies and don't have the energy to go anywhere... so you go take a bath or watch a movie or sleep... Weeks go by and soon it will be November and I don't know how that happened.
I seem to be better these days. More aware. More lively and vital. But I know it is not going to last. I try to enjoy while it's here.
I am overwhelmed with work and study and plans and the future. I have to take the GRE test prior to December 8... and half of the GRE (a huge massive cruel examination to enter Graduate School) is about Math... which I haven't touched for 6 years. I took a practice test today and it was not good. So I have to study, and do it on my own, cos I'm not willing to pay $700 for a month of classes twice a week.
Also, I have to submit 5 poems before November 11 to English department. All of my old poems are in Spain (I cleaned my computer memory) and I have written only one poem since I have arrived, cos I have been so focused on the memoir.
That too... I have to edit my memoir. I thought it was not bad... but now I feel it's crap and worthless and who cares that I have problems anyway. I saw "Running with Scissors" last night and it was great and disturbing and based on a memoir and my text is so silly and pointless compared to it. Dammit. I want to apply for a joint program, an MFA in Creative Writing and PhD in English, and also apply to the Breadloaf Writer's Conference and to a couple of writing colonies... But am I for real? Am I good? Can I be a serious writer? I don't aspire to earn my living with writing, I am satisfied with being a professor and writing on the side, but can I do even that?
November is National Novel Writing Month in the US. I wanted really badly to try and write a novel. The project was incredible... But I can't I can't. I have to polish my memoir and write poems and write something to submit with my applications. And I have all these stupid essays for my classes and I need to spend more time writing them, cos I feel that I am letting mediocruty take possesion of me.
And I have to decide where I want to study and how and what. And I really want to travel, visit my friends, explore the US. And I have to make plans for Thanksgiving...
Our GRE Test Adviser told us to end every sentence from now on and until the exam with Dammit. So, I am going to drown in worry, Dammit. I don't have a clue about how I'm supposed to finish all I've started, Dammit. I am too ambitious, Dammit. I don't know if I'm worth anything artistically or intellectualy, Dammit. I feel like banging my head against the screen, Dammit... Actually, the Adviser was right, Dammit... it is kinda helpful and reassuring to say Dammit, Dammit!!