HOMESICK FOR A HOME I NEVER HAD

Thursday... sunny outside but I am cold. Finished A Clockwork Orange. Think it's one of the best books I've ever read. Does that mean I am even more disturbed than I know? I want to talk in nadsat and wear only black and white and paint my eyes in some strange way... but I don't want to hurt anyone, just to explode and disappear.
I wanted to make a presentation about the book for one of my classes... But the professor said someone else was doing it. I was going to show them pictures from Kubrick's movie and bring some Beethoven as a soundtrack and even oranges to explain. I was going to talk about the attraction we feel towars violence and how there's a criminal inside all of us. It was going to be daring and interesting and original... but apparently I can't do it.
I talked to the Headmistress about my future. She says that not only I am too ambitious, but that also I won't be able to cope if I go on like this. I'll spend my whole life studying, which is alright I guess, I do love my degree. But ain't I just postponing more and more my incorporation to the real world? And what the hell is the real world? I need so many answers and I need something to keep from screaming. Everyone wants to help and yet I find no one that can. Is this reality? What is so great about it anyway?