Saturday evening. Upset. I hate hate hate Old English. I hate hate hate my presumptous ambition, taking exams for courses I have not attended. How can I possibly learn and understand all on my own? Will it be ok as always? Will I finally fail? I wait for my scholarship money and I wait for the decission about next year. Where will I go? Where will they send me? Will they even send me anywhere? Do I deserve it? Not even literature seems beautiful anymore, and the only thing I really wanted was beauty.
Last night I went to see "Fame", the musical, with Diana. I liked it more than the production I saw in London. I remembered once again how much I love acting and singing and dancing, but of course I never did it for real, never seriously. I did want to be a Fame kid. To go to that kind of school, focused on arts. But it was only a dream and I rejected it and now I never seem to have the time.
I chose this life, more or less, and yet it feels so alien to me. What am I looking for? What is this quest I embarked in? I only catch glimpses of reality and magic, and then I have to go away. Everything is mainly grey. And I hate it.
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