CONSPIRACY OF SILENCE

Today is the first day of the Year of the Dog for the Chinese. On New Year's Day I was asleep, and on the Georgian New Year's Day (celebrated in Russia, for example) I was away from myself. I decided to wait until the Chinese New Year to write my resolutions for 2006, or for the future. So what are they? I wonder. I really don't know. Get good marks? That's not really a resolution and it's not really novel. Take more dancing lessons? Yes, I guess so, but still doesn't feel quite adequate. So what do I want? What do I want from this year? What do I want from my future? What do I want from life? What do I want from myself?
I have no clue.
There is a conspiracy of silence in my mind.
I dream all day long. I create a parallel reality and I invest more energy in imagining it than in living reality. But still I don't know what I want. So what do I dream about?
I suppose my dreams are about belonging. About being part of something and someone. Being able to sing and dance and perform and write and give lessons. Being reckless and enchanting and happy. And then quieting down, and being happier still. I dream about having my own house, made of wood, built by someone I know and care about, surrounded by trees. Climbing up to the roof to observe the stars or wait for the dawn. I dream about being part of a family. A big family. I dream about a fireplace and blankets and warmth. And maybe my dreams aren't my own, but just images of films I've seen, maybe just the product of a bad childhood. I do wish that someone had read fairy tales to me when I was little. Maybe then I wouldn't have to invent them myself. Maybe I could be a real human being. Maybe I wouldn't need to write my New Year resolutions to have any resolutions.
I am lost at sea and drowning fast. In a couple of minutes my hair will become a medusa and I will be lost.