SMASH

i cant sleep
there is silence and it is snowing outside. another winter storm that lasts forever and keeps me inside.
i check my email one hundred times every day and see no new message and feel abandoned but cant bring myself to write to anyone.
i am empty and unable to sleep or do anything else. the ceiling is very uninteresting. i dont want to stare at the ceiling all night long. i cant close my eyes and pretend to sleep if sleep doesnt come because them questions come.
what is broken inside me and how can it be fixed? i want to smash myself as when you smash a broken TV and hope that it works or at least you release some anger. i want to smash myself and dont know how.
what is broken? where? why? can someone take it out? out out out out of me i hate this i hate it not me it driving me insane i hate it and i dont understand why i should be broken for the rest of my life if i didnt do it