#6 THEY SAY DYLAN IS A COOL CAT

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Who are you?

We sit facing each other and he talks without stopping and I keep silent. The fish smell of his jacket reaches me and I'd like to run away, but not yet. He talks about some book, just because he knows I like books, so he has chosen just any book and now is talking and saying words and all I can hear is my own deep low moan.
Stop, stop, I want to go home.
You're not feeling well?
No, no. There's a pang of guilt and pain as I am about to say what I am about to say. It's also something else. Look, I'm not well.
It's fine. I'll take you home and we'll see each other in a couple of days.
No, no. I'm not well. I mean that I can't go on seeing you.
What? Why?
Because... Because I look at this table and instead of marble I see a nightmare, I see a fight, the Armageddon coming to get me and I feel threatened... and it's like that with everything else. You understand?
Yes... no. Why does that matter for us?
Because it matters. It's always like that and it changes everything.
We leave the bar and he takes my hand and tries to kiss me. Don't you realize I am breaking up with you? Then he gets angry and doesn't care anymore that I'm not feeling well. We walk in opposite directions and I feel relieved.
To celebrate, I want a real cut tonight, one to remember that I actually did something instead of waiting. I take out my pieces of broken glass, but they're no good, as I've always known. I go to the kitchen. I pour myself a glass of milk in case Dad wakes up and wonder what I'm doing in the kitchen at such a time.
First I try the knives we use daily. They leave my skin pink and little else. I clean them and leave them where they should be. Then I open the treasure chest where the big bad knives sleep. They look evil and I wonder which one will hurt most. One by one, I try them all, watching hypnotized the motions of the blades through my skin. One by one, I clean them all and put them back. My arm is achy and bloody, but not enough. I haven't found the knife I was looking for.
I take the milk and consider mixing it with some aspirines as I have done already in another occassion, but that only made me sleepy. In the morning, my wrist is double-size and full of scars.