GOODBYE LOVE, HELLO DISEASE

Look at these pictures. I just took them some minutes ago with the webcam. That's supposed to be me. But I only half recognize myself.
Life still goes on. Incredibly. In September, or late August, again airports and suitcases and this time Boston. An elite university only for women. My last year as an undergraduate student and first official year giving lessons. And I realize we are entering a dangerous new period of our lives.
A friend, or rather an acquaintaince, a friend of a friend, is getting married sometime soon, maybe this month or maybe the next. And I am not talking about someone at work, where everyone appears to be suffering from the wedding fever (but they are in their thirties). Kas is in her early twenties. And soon to be married. So now we are all marriage and parent material. It is no longer a long-term dream or nightmare. It's here.
Those fears some of us have had since forever of spending the rest of our lives alone no longer seem absurd. Yes, of course, I am twenty-one. But now, at twenty-one, the feeling is not that you have time to go out and meet people and have fun. Rather, if you are alone, you should be worrying. If you haven't yet booked the church or the City Hall for the wedding, people begin to whisper, and look at you as though you had something contagious. Yesterday, one of my workmates said that they all thought that I was one of those girls who remains a virgin until her marriage (...), and the maitre, when told that I have no boyfriend, said that I should hurry because if not "se me pasaría el arroz"... F**k
So, alone for life. Because according to a friend, I am enchanting but I have the type of personality that attracts people and scares them off almost immediately. It's my way of acting. It's the illness. The delusions. The tears. The scars. So, goodbye love, hello disease.
Just out of curiosity, how many more people will I attract to my web of madness and how many more people will leave me completely alone and broken screaming every night in pain? Will I ever resign myself to loneliness? Will I stop scaring people? Will they stop being cowards? How much pain can one single person experience before the soul or the body give up?