WILL YOU STAY WITH ME?

First day of Easter break at uni, but still have to go to work. Yesterday slept only three hours, so poisoned myself with coffee, so tonight wasn't able to sleep.
Many things are happening, some around me, some inside me, but I am not fully aware of them, not with the medication. They say I am pretty as a doll, I am sweet as a doll, I am cute as a doll. That I am angelic. That I should be framed and exhibited. Am I pretty? Is it enough? Will it ever be enough? Why do I give so much importance to being beautiful?
I know nothing about the US. My professors are all very excited for me, but I begin to despair. My father and my friends think that it would be better if I stayed here. Maybe they're right. It seems that nobody wants me over there anyway. Does anybody want me here?
Can I trust my feelings now? Can I trust the feelings that I had before? Can I trust my memories? To what an extent am I sick? Yesterday a man sat with me in a cafeteria and began rambling on about the bad quality of Spanish coffee... then about immigration and cinema and traditions and life. He said that if you don't know yourself you can't love yourself, and if you don't love yourself no one will truly love yourself. Their love will only harm you. But this knowledge comes too late. For we are a culture of consumers, not of learners. And basically I think he's right... and all I want in life is love. But now I don't what to do. Should I go back to the past? focus on the present? wait for the future?
There are cats living under the platform of the restaurant and the managers are going to poison them in the summer. I can't stop thinking about that. I think that's monstrous.